Normally I use this blog as a place to practice my writing and hone my skills. What I usually put here is fiction, usually prompted by a photo or word provided by someone else. But today I’m going to write about what’s going on in my head. This is not fiction, these are the thoughts that are consuming me right now.
I should say up front that I have depression. I’ve had it for my most of my life, but since I’ve had my kids and as I’ve got older it’s gotten worse. This morning I got a phone call to say that I just missed out on a job I’d gone for. It’s made me feel really sad. Sad that again I haven’t got a job I’ve applied for. Sad that I feel rejected, even though I know it’s not really personal. Sad that I’m not good enough. Sad that I’m letting my family down.
Even though I would never do it, the suicidal thoughts are floating through my head. I know suicide never solves anything and I would never do that to my husband or kids, nevertheless, the idea still bobs and weaves and dodges through my more rational thought.
When I start to feel like this it’s like someone pulls a shade down on my life. Not a sheer, white shade but a thick, black one that blocks out all the light and leaves me sitting in the dark. Sometimes there is a little crack of light and it is that light that keeps me hanging on and eventually guides me out.
You know what? I HATE feeling this way. I have a great life; a wonderful husband that I love and who loves me back for some unknown reason, great kids who are growing into amazing young adults that I am so proud of and in awe of, a lovely home and good friends. I have no excuse for being so miserable. I hate that it’s such an effort to get myself out of bed every day. I hate that even though I’m busy doing things I find very little that interests me. I hate that even though I smile at my kids and joke and laugh with them I feel no joy.
But unfortunately, this is the reality of depression. It doesn’t discriminate. There’s no point in telling yourself to snap out of it, or cheer up because there’s nothing you can do about it except hang on desperately and hope that you come out the other side soon.
Until that happens I’ll keep faking it till I make it.